193

img_8806

Officially burnt out.

A rollercoaster two weeks of emotional highs and lows from all fronts – family, personal, work and health, have gotten the better of me.

And now, we pick up the pieces and re-build.

Looking back, there were times when I wanted to throw in the towel; hitting rock bottom with no light for guidance. All I had was this voice telling me “Just give it one more day”. And each tomorrow became one more day.

So let’s take it one more day at a time.

img_8745

For the longest time, I had the answer to what I wanted to do.
The original plan was to understand the industry of employment, how rapid and extensive outsourcing and automation would replace jobs, the types of jobs they would replace and how to rebuild the education system to address the changing nature of employment for future generations.

It wasn’t until someone asked me how I envisioned my life at 40 did I realize the only driving force I had in my life was my career.

Growing up poor with no parental support allowed me to have a sharp focus on career and obtaining wealth quickly – tuition, first property, basic living necessities, travel and luxuries.
But now, as I become more stable financially and career-wise, I realized I have neglected the other portions of my life, including my health and interpersonal relationships.

“Am I happy?”.

There is no simple answer.

“Am I free?”

No.

So let’s find freedom.

-b.

Advertisements

214

 

Somewhere out there
Beneath the pale moonlight
Someone’s thinking of me
And loving me tonight

Somewhere out there
Someone’s saying a prayer
That we’ll find one another
In that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we’re sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there
If love can see us through
Then we’ll be together
Somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

-b.

Seek


A few of my guy friends told me recently that they always thought I was this aloof, stoic and cold bitch because I never talked much nor was I ever warm and fuzzy during our first few meetings. Yet, despite the years that passed, I was one of the only ones who still stayed and stuck by them. Always just a phone call or message away.

Just because my castle is a fortress, does not mean I never cared. I’m just very selective of the people I choose to let in.

When all those shadows almost killed your light, I remember. 

Everything will be okay.


If you truly knew me, you would know that that smile doesn’t come often. 

On the outside, everyone sees the hyper aggressive, super driven, no-nonsense girl who dons a forever funeral attire. The realist.

Hypocritically, I’m an idealist at heart.

One of the things that frustrates me the most is how casually people throw around those 6 words here.

I miss you.

I love you.

When I was eating dim sum with my dad, one of the waitresses screamed thank you, miss you, love you, you’re the best, to another waitress so casually, just because they went to grab a towel. 

Yet you know, deep down, other than superficial words, there is nothing. 

Those words are thrown around to secure a non-existent collegial bond that is mired by jealously and spite.

Why bother with the theatrics?

When I say them, I truly mean them.

And here, another wall is built.

-b.

Ghost


Real courage is allowing yourself to be vulnerable to others.

Sometimes it means allowing yourself to fall.

Sometimes it means admitting that something is not working and walking away.

For me, when people venture too close, I disappear.

A ghost.

On the surface, they all look perfectly happy and well put together.

Underneath, there are thousands of pieces to pick up. 

-b.

Cloud Atlas

Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others, past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. Sonmi-451:Cloud Atlas

CLOUD_ATLAS_poster_7

Last night, I took a friend to a speakeasy, a getaway of sorts.

Not many people know about my past, and those who do, only know tidbits.

It’s not the immediate past I am concerned about.

Every person has their own belief system. Some call it religion, others call it a soul.

Do you believe in karma?

I do.

The first time I watched Cloud Atlas, I was fascinated with the storyline, how, through the actions of the characters, the decisions they made in every lifetime, shaped their next life.

To me, it was a masterpiece. Critics dubbed it an impossible to film book. But they did it anyways. Some criticized the film as “yellow-facing”, making Caucasians look Asian so they don’t have to hire Asians. But what they missed was that, the characters spanned through ages, genders and race. What they missed was that the Asian actresses were also made to look like other races in the different timelines.

Karma does not discriminate.

There are moments of redemption, just as there are moments of deterioration.

And that’s what the book and film tries to illustrate.

We move through our lifetimes. Each time, we are dealt a different hand. How we choose to live our lives determines the next hand. And with every hand, do we choose to be a better self or do we choose to live a life of pure consumption and excess?

img_5684

People ask me why certain things only seem to happen to me or why I seem to attract an alarming amount of bad luck.

I joke, saying in my past life, I must’ve done some pretty bad deeds.

On the other hand, I would love to know who or what I was in a previous life.

-b.