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Officially burnt out.

A rollercoaster two weeks of emotional highs and lows from all fronts – family, personal, work and health, have gotten the better of me.

And now, we pick up the pieces and re-build.

Looking back, there were times when I wanted to throw in the towel; hitting rock bottom with no light for guidance. All I had was this voice telling me “Just give it one more day”. And each tomorrow became one more day.

So let’s take it one more day at a time.

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For the longest time, I had the answer to what I wanted to do.
The original plan was to understand the industry of employment, how rapid and extensive outsourcing and automation would replace jobs, the types of jobs they would replace and how to rebuild the education system to address the changing nature of employment for future generations.

It wasn’t until someone asked me how I envisioned my life at 40 did I realize the only driving force I had in my life was my career.

Growing up poor with no parental support allowed me to have a sharp focus on career and obtaining wealth quickly – tuition, first property, basic living necessities, travel and luxuries.
But now, as I become more stable financially and career-wise, I realized I have neglected the other portions of my life, including my health and interpersonal relationships.

“Am I happy?”.

There is no simple answer.

“Am I free?”

No.

So let’s find freedom.

-b.

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Somewhere out there
Beneath the pale moonlight
Someone’s thinking of me
And loving me tonight

Somewhere out there
Someone’s saying a prayer
That we’ll find one another
In that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we’re sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there
If love can see us through
Then we’ll be together
Somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

-b.

Kid

photo on 9-6-17 at 8.46 pm #2-1

If you are close to me and were in need of motivation, you will probably have a copy of the above photo with a tailor-made message and a silly face.

And then I realized, I never actually made one for my inner child; the one who probably needs my love and attention the most.

So here’s to some much-needed self-love.


The way I see the world is quite different than most people.

Whereas most people see at the surface level, I dive deep to find the inner child.

Mine is always hiding something behind her back with a huge grin. Probably plotting to take over the world or something crazy and grandiose again.

More often than not, when I see an inner child scared or crying, my first thought is to protect and heal said inner child.

Why?

Because no one deserves to be in the cold darkness alone.
So I will sit with you until you are ready to move.

Why?

Because I know how it feels to be in that abyss alone.

And because I know if I were to fall into that abyss, I will not be alone so I pay it forward.

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I remember the first few months of arriving to Hong Kong, I was extremely lonely because I hardly knew anyone.
One night, my bro (on the right) drags me out and forces his friends to don face masks as sunglasses, snapping funny poses to force a chuckle and laugh out of me.

Or when I had that huge fight and in the midst of fighting, someone sends me a clip of himself dancing in rollerblades on the street.

Or that 3am make-cyn-laugh phone call with a close bro of mine.

Or when someone got drunk at IKEA and tried to steal their ties, breaking a few TV samples and lights along the way.

Or when my girls and I send funny selfies to each other, trying to out-do each other.

Honestly, I have no idea what I would do without these random acts of giggles and shits.

So I pay it forward.

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My three phases of studying Canadian Tax Law back in 2010.

Enjoy.

-b.

Seek


A few of my guy friends told me recently that they always thought I was this aloof, stoic and cold bitch because I never talked much nor was I ever warm and fuzzy during our first few meetings. Yet, despite the years that passed, I was one of the only ones who still stayed and stuck by them. Always just a phone call or message away.

Just because my castle is a fortress, does not mean I never cared. I’m just very selective of the people I choose to let in.

When all those shadows almost killed your light, I remember. 

Everything will be okay.


If you truly knew me, you would know that that smile doesn’t come often. 

On the outside, everyone sees the hyper aggressive, super driven, no-nonsense girl who dons a forever funeral attire. The realist.

Hypocritically, I’m an idealist at heart.

One of the things that frustrates me the most is how casually people throw around those 6 words here.

I miss you.

I love you.

When I was eating dim sum with my dad, one of the waitresses screamed thank you, miss you, love you, you’re the best, to another waitress so casually, just because they went to grab a towel. 

Yet you know, deep down, other than superficial words, there is nothing. 

Those words are thrown around to secure a non-existent collegial bond that is mired by jealously and spite.

Why bother with the theatrics?

When I say them, I truly mean them.

And here, another wall is built.

-b.

Restless

Being Asian meant I have to uphold the Asian values:
1. Do well in school
2. Find a reputable profession
3. Become wealthier than parents
4. Get married

Lately, I find myself asking the same questions over and over again; do I really want to live a checklist life?

When I was younger, I admit, there was always an air of loneliness that loomed over my head. I didn’t quite understand it at the time, but now I do.

It wasn’t loneliness that I felt, it was insecurity. That feeling of uncertainty and the need to be with someone, like an anchor stopping a ship from drifting off into the sea.

I was alone in Hong Kong, with no friends or family. When you’re scared and alone, you desperately want someone to lean on.

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I remember looking up the statistics on the ratio between women to men. The population of women to men was 2:1. That scared me and it still scares me.

But what scares me more is the loss of my freedom.

While it is amazing to have a partner to lean on, I value my freedom more.

Yes, it is great to have someone to go on adventures with.
Yes, it is great to have someone to talk to.
Yes, it is great to have someone you can spend your weekends with.

But at what cost?

The older I get, the less afraid I am of dealing with everything alone.
The older I get, the more I value my alone time.
The older I get, the less patience I have for servitude.

Growing up, my family was unique. Rather than placing importance on face time, the importance was placed on support. Even though we see each other once or twice a year, for a duration of 24-48 hours max., the support is there. You never feel alone.

In Hong Kong, it is the contrary. The importance is placed on face time.

Because my family is not in Hong Kong, I am at a disadvantage because more often than not, I am forced to conform to other peoples’ standards.

 
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The same patterns of people exist here and I realized none of those patterns fit me.

And yet, in the 3 years I have been here, I have not met anyone who can understand my values.

If that is the case, why should I continue to conform?

My life is not lived to serve anybody else.
My life is lived to become a better me.

-b.