Someone asked if I felt lonely going to Disneyland alone.
No, I rarely felt alone.
I was quite content by myself but it did bring about a conversation I had with my brother earlier last year.
We passed the end so we chase forever.
My younger brother has since replaced his previous long term girlfriend with a woman much older than he was.
We got so good at being self-sufficient; the world wonders if we can ever invite anybody into our lives.
Truth is, it’s not the loneliness that gets to us.
It’s the lack of stability.
From when I was younger, I seldom saw my parents. My older sister, being 7 years older, was a rare sight in the home as she was always at a different stage of life. My brother was drifting in and out of different schools and homes.
And then there was me, the middle, the lost one.
While they chose to stay in Canada, I ran away to Asia, trying to find my Atlantis and ultimately, my freedom.
Yet, of late, I found that it wasn’t freedom I was ultimately seeking.
It was stability.
Growing up without parent guidance or bonding has led me to become highly independent, something I will always be grateful for. On the flip side, I have no home to return to. There is no ground to stand on; I’m eternally floating in the air.
When I was 14, I already had the responsibilities of an 18 year old.
When I was 18, I was already solving problems a 24 year old would face.
When I was 19, I faced my quarter life crisis.
When I was 24, I was past the partying, the drinking, attention from boys and relationships that went nowhere. I felt like I was 31, with a mortgage, a startup, overwhelming pressure and moved across the globe, for better or for worse.
Now that I’m 29, I already feel 35. No, I do not crave for children and I still hold strong opinions against having children. But what I do need, is a foundation.
Why do you not want to date me?
Simply put, I will be wasting your time and money and that is not fair on you or me.
I’m at the stage of life where relationships without marriage is pointless.
I’m at the stage of life where I cannot wait for you to figure things out for years on end.
I’m at the stage of life where I do not just want to see where things go.
I’m at the stage of life where I want to be someone’s home they return to, not an option.
Two hearts beating with different rhythms.