Stay

Tell me, what exactly do you want?

I don’t know.

Then stop running. At this pace, you will burn out. 

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Funny how, when we first met three years ago, I always thought you were uncomplicated, a happy go lucky soul willing to listen to the drama that is my daily life.

Little did I know, your life was and still is more complicated than mine.

2,589km, 7 years. It makes a big difference, doesn’t it?

I tried to replace you with him, yet shit went to shits. 

You know you can’t just replace someone like that. 

I know…now!

How high is your emotional capacity?

I had to walk away from him because I did not have the emotional capacity required to take care of him.

How did you do it?

How did you manage to hide all that while listening to me back then about the frivolities in my life?

Tell me, how can I help to take your stress away?
Tell me, what can I do for you?

It takes years to build a relationship. You can’t just jump in because it won’t last. You have to be vulnerable. 

It took me three years to let you in.

I know.

I think I finally understand the concept I’ve been struggling with my whole life.

-b.

 

Want


For the longest time, I’ve been thinking of what exactly I want this blog to be about.

Do I want it to be my open book?

On the other hand, I know exactly what I don’t want it to be. Back in the day, the world knew exactly how many calories I ate in a day, the breakdown of my foods and my exercise routine. For 2 years, people knew my daily weight, my progress photos and my measurements.


It motivated me to keep going, to come up with new recipe ideas, exercise routines and to look better.

Unfortunately, the ugly side reared its head.

I had 200 odd followers on my weight loss blog and a few girls decided that they were to become anorexic and bulimic because they wanted my progress photos but not the process I took. Instead, I found my photos all over Xanga, with the tag THINSPO.

It broke my heart to see girls writing about their daily struggles to lose weight through anorexia. And when I did have the courage to reach out, I was told it was their only way.

That’s when I closed my blog down.

Now, I’m at odds, what exactly do I want this to be?

-b.

Restless

Being Asian meant I have to uphold the Asian values:
1. Do well in school
2. Find a reputable profession
3. Become wealthier than parents
4. Get married

Lately, I find myself asking the same questions over and over again; do I really want to live a checklist life?

When I was younger, I admit, there was always an air of loneliness that loomed over my head. I didn’t quite understand it at the time, but now I do.

It wasn’t loneliness that I felt, it was insecurity. That feeling of uncertainty and the need to be with someone, like an anchor stopping a ship from drifting off into the sea.

I was alone in Hong Kong, with no friends or family. When you’re scared and alone, you desperately want someone to lean on.

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I remember looking up the statistics on the ratio between women to men. The population of women to men was 2:1. That scared me and it still scares me.

But what scares me more is the loss of my freedom.

While it is amazing to have a partner to lean on, I value my freedom more.

Yes, it is great to have someone to go on adventures with.
Yes, it is great to have someone to talk to.
Yes, it is great to have someone you can spend your weekends with.

But at what cost?

The older I get, the less afraid I am of dealing with everything alone.
The older I get, the more I value my alone time.
The older I get, the less patience I have for servitude.

Growing up, my family was unique. Rather than placing importance on face time, the importance was placed on support. Even though we see each other once or twice a year, for a duration of 24-48 hours max., the support is there. You never feel alone.

In Hong Kong, it is the contrary. The importance is placed on face time.

Because my family is not in Hong Kong, I am at a disadvantage because more often than not, I am forced to conform to other peoples’ standards.

 
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The same patterns of people exist here and I realized none of those patterns fit me.

And yet, in the 3 years I have been here, I have not met anyone who can understand my values.

If that is the case, why should I continue to conform?

My life is not lived to serve anybody else.
My life is lived to become a better me.

-b.

Cloud Atlas

Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others, past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. Sonmi-451:Cloud Atlas

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Last night, I took a friend to a speakeasy, a getaway of sorts.

Not many people know about my past, and those who do, only know tidbits.

It’s not the immediate past I am concerned about.

Every person has their own belief system. Some call it religion, others call it a soul.

Do you believe in karma?

I do.

The first time I watched Cloud Atlas, I was fascinated with the storyline, how, through the actions of the characters, the decisions they made in every lifetime, shaped their next life.

To me, it was a masterpiece. Critics dubbed it an impossible to film book. But they did it anyways. Some criticized the film as “yellow-facing”, making Caucasians look Asian so they don’t have to hire Asians. But what they missed was that, the characters spanned through ages, genders and race. What they missed was that the Asian actresses were also made to look like other races in the different timelines.

Karma does not discriminate.

There are moments of redemption, just as there are moments of deterioration.

And that’s what the book and film tries to illustrate.

We move through our lifetimes. Each time, we are dealt a different hand. How we choose to live our lives determines the next hand. And with every hand, do we choose to be a better self or do we choose to live a life of pure consumption and excess?

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People ask me why certain things only seem to happen to me or why I seem to attract an alarming amount of bad luck.

I joke, saying in my past life, I must’ve done some pretty bad deeds.

On the other hand, I would love to know who or what I was in a previous life.

-b.

Steampunk

Growing up, I loved Steampunk because it was a fantasy of living both in the past and in the future.

I was lucky enough to have a close relationship to my maternal grandfather who shared with me the stories of his youth and his time in the service during World War II. And that led me to have a healthy appetite for history.

I remember the first time I went to Disneyland in Orlando, Florida, being in awe of Tomorrowland and Main Street USA, bringing back some retro elements from the 1950s.

There was always a sense of adventure.

I guess that’s why I keep re-watching cult classics like:

20,000 Leagues under the Sea
Cloud Atlas
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
The Mummy I and II
Sky Captain and the Land of Tomorrow
Suckerpunch

And yes, I do imagine what life would be like if we actually did live in a steampunk world, it seems pretty awesome.

I’m also lucky enough to be in Hong Kong, where we have both Ocean Park and Disneyland, two large theme parks.

My favourite is (hands-down) Disneyland even though it is much smaller with more vanilla rides. It is due to the ambience and their strict attention to detail on the most minute things. When you’re in Disney, you do feel like you’re transported to another world.

Over the weekend, I decided to hit up their newest hotel, Explorer’s Lodge. At first, I tried to pinpoint the era, but it had both elements of the late 1890s and 1950s. It reminds me of the opening scene of UP, when Carl and Ellie talk about Paradise Falls when they were kids. It’s also an extension of the Mystic Manor ride in Mystic Point, a dark ride in the park.

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-b.

Driven

After moving to Hong Kong, I quickly realized how different my viewpoints and opinions were, comparative to the local populace.

The most evident being family and upbringing.

My parents gave up everything in Shanghai to move to Hong Kong back in the day.
And then, they gave up everything they built in Hong Kong to move to Canada when I was born.

To start from zero twice; it’s not easy. They faced language barriers and discrimination, but they endured. For the goal of building a better life.

This meant, they had no time to raise us.

Growing up, my parents were very transparent on our situation and I am always thankful that they were. Rather than trying to shield us and raising us with a silver spoon, they made it a point to inform us we could not have what our peers had. When I was 4 years old, I already knew the world was unfair and we had to do something about it.

To that degree, my parents, my siblings and I have built our relationship on the foundation of improvement. We may see each other once or twice a year, but during those times, we truly value our time together.

When I look at family interactions here – they are highly emotional, the gatherings  frequent and routines micromanaged.

It confuses me.

I did not even tell my parents I was moving to Hong Kong. My mother only found out when she dropped me off at the airport. And when I told her my plan, she threw a box of Ferrero Rocher at my head.

When I first got to Hong Kong, I had very little money, I ate one meal a day and I slept on the floor without a mattress. But I was driven. I remember lining up 3-5 interviews a day for the two weeks I was here, determined to land a job in that timeframe.

Three years later and I can finally accommodate my family when they visit, in a proper bed and a proper home.

img_5224A home is where you can go to escape the hustle and bustle of the city. A place of relaxation, a safe zone. This is mine.
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Good night.

-b.

And we are back

It’s been a long time since I last wrote a blog.

I keep starting new ones, deleting them and forgetting about them for months.

Not sure if anyone remembers Xanga, but back in the day, I used to have hundreds of followers on my blog that was dedicated to weight loss. In the beginning, it was great…until it wasn’t. I started seeing my photos used by “thinspo” sites and then I started seeing girls starve themselves.

That’s when I deleted my entire blog – 5 years of sharing with the world my life, gone in an instant.

So why am I back?

To be honest, I’m not sure.

Ever since I moved to Hong Kong, I have felt out of place. So I guess, this is where I can vent and make sense of things.

-b.