Days I have to make a lasting impact on those I care about.
Days I have to leave behind some good.
Exactly 4 years.
That’s how long I give you.
And then I bounce.
Singapore or Shanghai?
You know, you are actually very fragile.
Not just your stomach issues. You tend to believe in people and it just does not work in Hong Kong.
I know. Believe me, I know.
As much as I can see the world in all its beauty, there are those days where I lose that ability.
There will always be those who just come to you to complain.
There will always be those who want to take advantage of you.
There will always be those who want to see you fail.
It is just more rampant in Hong Kong.
How many of these so-called acquaintances hit me up right after they find out I am single?
Hey, do you want to come to my house for drinks?
No. Please stop texting me.
No. Please don’t send me nudes.
No. Please stop talking.
I can only be polite and courteous for a short period of time.
Which is why, I just want someone to tell me to move.
Say the word and I will fly.
You once asked me, what I liked about you.
You were the only person in a long time that asked nothing from me.
You are the only person I cannot figure out.
Your walls are the only ones I cannot break.
You are also one of the only ones who knows exactly what to do when I am lost in the dark.
You keep running, for what? For freedom.
Yet, you yearn to be caged. A home, if you will.
That’s a bit convoluted, don’t you think?
It’s not the loneliness that gets to me.
It’s just getting infinitely difficult to find the good in people.
How deep do I have to dig?
Rather, should I just stop trying?
These contact lens always makes my eyes look so teary.
Decided to do a clean reset to my GI tract by taking laxatives to flush everything out.
Then we do an elimination diet starting with just bananas, congee and fruit vinegar since I have low stomach acid.
I will also have to cut back on the fibre, eliminate caffeine, sugar, carbonated water and probiotics.
Since my IBS affects my muscle contractions, I got magnesium and potassium supplements to help regulate it.
Time for rehab.
Wish me luck.
If you are close to me and were in need of motivation, you will probably have a copy of the above photo with a tailor-made message and a silly face.
And then I realized, I never actually made one for my inner child; the one who probably needs my love and attention the most.
So here’s to some much-needed self-love.
The way I see the world is quite different than most people.
Whereas most people see at the surface level, I dive deep to find the inner child.
Mine is always hiding something behind her back with a huge grin. Probably plotting to take over the world or something crazy and grandiose again.
More often than not, when I see an inner child scared or crying, my first thought is to protect and heal said inner child.
Because no one deserves to be in the cold darkness alone.
So I will sit with you until you are ready to move.
Because I know how it feels to be in that abyss alone.
And because I know if I were to fall into that abyss, I will not be alone so I pay it forward.
I remember the first few months of arriving to Hong Kong, I was extremely lonely because I hardly knew anyone.
One night, my bro (on the right) drags me out and forces his friends to don face masks as sunglasses, snapping funny poses to force a chuckle and laugh out of me.
Or when I had that huge fight and in the midst of fighting, someone sends me a clip of himself dancing in rollerblades on the street.
Or that 3am make-cyn-laugh phone call with a close bro of mine.
Or when someone got drunk at IKEA and tried to steal their ties, breaking a few TV samples and lights along the way.
Or when my girls and I send funny selfies to each other, trying to out-do each other.
Honestly, I have no idea what I would do without these random acts of giggles and shits.
So I pay it forward.
My three phases of studying Canadian Tax Law back in 2010.
A few of my guy friends told me recently that they always thought I was this aloof, stoic and cold bitch because I never talked much nor was I ever warm and fuzzy during our first few meetings. Yet, despite the years that passed, I was one of the only ones who still stayed and stuck by them. Always just a phone call or message away.
Just because my castle is a fortress, does not mean I never cared. I’m just very selective of the people I choose to let in.
When all those shadows almost killed your light, I remember.
Everything will be okay.
If you truly knew me, you would know that that smile doesn’t come often.
On the outside, everyone sees the hyper aggressive, super driven, no-nonsense girl who dons a forever funeral attire. The realist.
Hypocritically, I’m an idealist at heart.
One of the things that frustrates me the most is how casually people throw around those 6 words here.
I miss you.
I love you.
When I was eating dim sum with my dad, one of the waitresses screamed thank you, miss you, love you, you’re the best, to another waitress so casually, just because they went to grab a towel.
Yet you know, deep down, other than superficial words, there is nothing.
Those words are thrown around to secure a non-existent collegial bond that is mired by jealously and spite.
Why bother with the theatrics?
When I say them, I truly mean them.
And here, another wall is built.
Sometimes it means allowing yourself to fall.
Sometimes it means admitting that something is not working and walking away.
For me, when people venture too close, I disappear.
On the surface, they all look perfectly happy and well put together.
Underneath, there are thousands of pieces to pick up.
Tell me, what exactly do you want?
I don’t know.
Then stop running. At this pace, you will burn out.
Funny how, when we first met three years ago, I always thought you were uncomplicated, a happy go lucky soul willing to listen to the drama that is my daily life.
Little did I know, your life was and still is more complicated than mine.
2,589km, 7 years. It makes a big difference, doesn’t it?
I tried to replace you with him, yet shit went to shits.
You know you can’t just replace someone like that.
How high is your emotional capacity?
I had to walk away from him because I did not have the emotional capacity required to take care of him.
How did you do it?
How did you manage to hide all that while listening to me back then about the frivolities in my life?
Tell me, how can I help to take your stress away?
Tell me, what can I do for you?
It takes years to build a relationship. You can’t just jump in because it won’t last. You have to be vulnerable.
It took me three years to let you in.
I think I finally understand the concept I’ve been struggling with my whole life.