58

也許當時忙著微笑和哭泣

忙著追逐天空中的流星

人理所當然的忘記

是誰風裏雨裏一直默默守護在原地

有時候我在想你還好嗎?

好久不見了

-b.

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63

Someone asked if I felt lonely going to Disneyland alone.

No, I rarely felt alone.

I was quite content by myself but it did bring about a conversation I had with my brother earlier last year.

We passed the end so we chase forever.

My younger brother has since replaced his previous long term girlfriend with a woman much older than he was.

Why?

Stability.

We got so good at being self-sufficient; the world wonders if we can ever invite anybody into our lives.

Truth is, it’s not the loneliness that gets to us.

It’s the lack of stability.

From when I was younger, I seldom saw my parents. My older sister, being 7 years older, was a rare sight in the home as she was always at a different stage of life. My brother was drifting in and out of different schools and homes.

And then there was me, the middle, the lost one.

While they chose to stay in Canada, I ran away to Asia, trying to find my Atlantis and ultimately, my freedom.

Yet, of late, I found that it wasn’t freedom I was ultimately seeking.

It was stability.

Growing up without parent guidance or bonding has led me to become highly independent, something I will always be grateful for. On the flip side, I have no home to return to. There is no ground to stand on; I’m eternally floating in the air.

When I was 14, I already had the responsibilities of an 18 year old.

When I was 18, I was already solving problems a 24 year old would face.

When I was 19, I faced my quarter life crisis.

When I was 24, I was past the partying, the drinking, attention from boys and relationships that went nowhere. I felt like I was 31, with a mortgage, a startup, overwhelming pressure and moved across the globe, for better or for worse.

Now that I’m 29, I already feel 35. No, I do not crave for children and I still hold strong opinions against having children. But what I do need, is a foundation.

Why do you not want to date me?

Simply put, I will be wasting your time and money and that is not fair on you or me.

I’m at the stage of life where relationships without marriage is pointless.

I’m at the stage of life where I cannot wait for you to figure things out for years on end.

I’m at the stage of life where I do not just want to see where things go.

I’m at the stage of life where I want to be someone’s home they return to, not an option.

Two hearts beating with different rhythms.

-b.

72

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You’re worth more than diamonds, worth more than gold.

You know you did something right in your life when you’re surrounded by beautiful souls who also happen to be physically attractive.

Funny enough, we all started at the bottom; the underdog gene strong amongst us.

The first time each of us met, we hated one another, thinking the latter grew up with a silver spoon. That’s how we are. The world only sees the image we portray. We became so good at it, we almost succeeded in alienating each other.

Yet, get to know us, and you realize once the walls are down, we homies and big softies.

One day, they will be legends.

As for me, I like being in the shadows, the spotlight was never the place for me.

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If you don’t know me, get to know me.

It’s disappointing when people automatically make the worst assumptions of you, albeit knowing you for a certain length of time.

Trust me, when people treat me well, there’s a reason for that.
When my trips are paid for, there’s a reason for that.
When I receive presents in the mail, there’s a reason for that.
When they fly to HK just to visit me, there’s a reason for that.
When a chauffeur comes to pick me up, there’s a reason for that.

And the reason is never me asking to be treated like a princess.

Behind the scenes, you don’t see the me who stays up the entire night making sure they are okay.
Behind the scenes, you don’t see the me who drives out at 1am to fetch them when their car battery freezes over in winter.
Behind the scenes, you don’t see the me who houses them during their bad patch.
Behind the scenes, you don’t see the me who takes care of them when they’re sick and down for the count.
Behind the scenes, you don’t see the me who makes the same effort to fly to them.
Behind the scenes, you don’t see the me who writes essays for Christmas cards just to remind them they are loved.

Would you do the same for them?
If not, how can you expect the same treatment from them?

-b.

173

Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Nor is an empire.

Be patient, my dear.

I’m at the age where many of my friends are getting married and for the ladies, it seems all that’s on their mind is getting married, boys and becoming a wife.

And then I realised I don’t want to only be a wife.

I want to build my empire.

And I need a king with the same mindset.

We ain’t your average couple.

-b.