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Not even sure how this happened.

No matter how hard I push you away.
No matter how much I yell and scream.
No matter how many flaws I show you.
No matter what I throw at you.

You are still here.

Why?

We live on different planets whose orbits don’t intersect.

My planet has extreme weather conditions and dangerous animals.

Your planet is filled with rainbows, unicorns and flowers.

Why would you ever want to visit mine?

-b.

 

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Ghost


Real courage is allowing yourself to be vulnerable to others.

Sometimes it means allowing yourself to fall.

Sometimes it means admitting that something is not working and walking away.

For me, when people venture too close, I disappear.

A ghost.

On the surface, they all look perfectly happy and well put together.

Underneath, there are thousands of pieces to pick up. 

-b.

Stay

Tell me, what exactly do you want?

I don’t know.

Then stop running. At this pace, you will burn out. 

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Funny how, when we first met three years ago, I always thought you were uncomplicated, a happy go lucky soul willing to listen to the drama that is my daily life.

Little did I know, your life was and still is more complicated than mine.

2,589km, 7 years. It makes a big difference, doesn’t it?

I tried to replace you with him, yet shit went to shits. 

You know you can’t just replace someone like that. 

I know…now!

How high is your emotional capacity?

I had to walk away from him because I did not have the emotional capacity required to take care of him.

How did you do it?

How did you manage to hide all that while listening to me back then about the frivolities in my life?

Tell me, how can I help to take your stress away?
Tell me, what can I do for you?

It takes years to build a relationship. You can’t just jump in because it won’t last. You have to be vulnerable. 

It took me three years to let you in.

I know.

I think I finally understand the concept I’ve been struggling with my whole life.

-b.

 

Restless

Being Asian meant I have to uphold the Asian values:
1. Do well in school
2. Find a reputable profession
3. Become wealthier than parents
4. Get married

Lately, I find myself asking the same questions over and over again; do I really want to live a checklist life?

When I was younger, I admit, there was always an air of loneliness that loomed over my head. I didn’t quite understand it at the time, but now I do.

It wasn’t loneliness that I felt, it was insecurity. That feeling of uncertainty and the need to be with someone, like an anchor stopping a ship from drifting off into the sea.

I was alone in Hong Kong, with no friends or family. When you’re scared and alone, you desperately want someone to lean on.

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I remember looking up the statistics on the ratio between women to men. The population of women to men was 2:1. That scared me and it still scares me.

But what scares me more is the loss of my freedom.

While it is amazing to have a partner to lean on, I value my freedom more.

Yes, it is great to have someone to go on adventures with.
Yes, it is great to have someone to talk to.
Yes, it is great to have someone you can spend your weekends with.

But at what cost?

The older I get, the less afraid I am of dealing with everything alone.
The older I get, the more I value my alone time.
The older I get, the less patience I have for servitude.

Growing up, my family was unique. Rather than placing importance on face time, the importance was placed on support. Even though we see each other once or twice a year, for a duration of 24-48 hours max., the support is there. You never feel alone.

In Hong Kong, it is the contrary. The importance is placed on face time.

Because my family is not in Hong Kong, I am at a disadvantage because more often than not, I am forced to conform to other peoples’ standards.

 
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The same patterns of people exist here and I realized none of those patterns fit me.

And yet, in the 3 years I have been here, I have not met anyone who can understand my values.

If that is the case, why should I continue to conform?

My life is not lived to serve anybody else.
My life is lived to become a better me.

-b.