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Officially burnt out.

A rollercoaster two weeks of emotional highs and lows from all fronts – family, personal, work and health, have gotten the better of me.

And now, we pick up the pieces and re-build.

Looking back, there were times when I wanted to throw in the towel; hitting rock bottom with no light for guidance. All I had was this voice telling me “Just give it one more day”. And each tomorrow became one more day.

So let’s take it one more day at a time.

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For the longest time, I had the answer to what I wanted to do.
The original plan was to understand the industry of employment, how rapid and extensive outsourcing and automation would replace jobs, the types of jobs they would replace and how to rebuild the education system to address the changing nature of employment for future generations.

It wasn’t until someone asked me how I envisioned my life at 40 did I realize the only driving force I had in my life was my career.

Growing up poor with no parental support allowed me to have a sharp focus on career and obtaining wealth quickly – tuition, first property, basic living necessities, travel and luxuries.
But now, as I become more stable financially and career-wise, I realized I have neglected the other portions of my life, including my health and interpersonal relationships.

“Am I happy?”.

There is no simple answer.

“Am I free?”

No.

So let’s find freedom.

-b.

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Somewhere out there
Beneath the pale moonlight
Someone’s thinking of me
And loving me tonight

Somewhere out there
Someone’s saying a prayer
That we’ll find one another
In that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we’re sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there
If love can see us through
Then we’ll be together
Somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

-b.

Kid

photo on 9-6-17 at 8.46 pm #2-1

If you are close to me and were in need of motivation, you will probably have a copy of the above photo with a tailor-made message and a silly face.

And then I realized, I never actually made one for my inner child; the one who probably needs my love and attention the most.

So here’s to some much-needed self-love.


The way I see the world is quite different than most people.

Whereas most people see at the surface level, I dive deep to find the inner child.

Mine is always hiding something behind her back with a huge grin. Probably plotting to take over the world or something crazy and grandiose again.

More often than not, when I see an inner child scared or crying, my first thought is to protect and heal said inner child.

Why?

Because no one deserves to be in the cold darkness alone.
So I will sit with you until you are ready to move.

Why?

Because I know how it feels to be in that abyss alone.

And because I know if I were to fall into that abyss, I will not be alone so I pay it forward.

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I remember the first few months of arriving to Hong Kong, I was extremely lonely because I hardly knew anyone.
One night, my bro (on the right) drags me out and forces his friends to don face masks as sunglasses, snapping funny poses to force a chuckle and laugh out of me.

Or when I had that huge fight and in the midst of fighting, someone sends me a clip of himself dancing in rollerblades on the street.

Or that 3am make-cyn-laugh phone call with a close bro of mine.

Or when someone got drunk at IKEA and tried to steal their ties, breaking a few TV samples and lights along the way.

Or when my girls and I send funny selfies to each other, trying to out-do each other.

Honestly, I have no idea what I would do without these random acts of giggles and shits.

So I pay it forward.

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My three phases of studying Canadian Tax Law back in 2010.

Enjoy.

-b.

Seek


A few of my guy friends told me recently that they always thought I was this aloof, stoic and cold bitch because I never talked much nor was I ever warm and fuzzy during our first few meetings. Yet, despite the years that passed, I was one of the only ones who still stayed and stuck by them. Always just a phone call or message away.

Just because my castle is a fortress, does not mean I never cared. I’m just very selective of the people I choose to let in.

When all those shadows almost killed your light, I remember. 

Everything will be okay.


If you truly knew me, you would know that that smile doesn’t come often. 

On the outside, everyone sees the hyper aggressive, super driven, no-nonsense girl who dons a forever funeral attire. The realist.

Hypocritically, I’m an idealist at heart.

One of the things that frustrates me the most is how casually people throw around those 6 words here.

I miss you.

I love you.

When I was eating dim sum with my dad, one of the waitresses screamed thank you, miss you, love you, you’re the best, to another waitress so casually, just because they went to grab a towel. 

Yet you know, deep down, other than superficial words, there is nothing. 

Those words are thrown around to secure a non-existent collegial bond that is mired by jealously and spite.

Why bother with the theatrics?

When I say them, I truly mean them.

And here, another wall is built.

-b.

Success

What does success mean to you?

Earlier this week, I attended a funeral for one of the biggest players in the Food and Beverage Industry. Rather than a solemn gathering, it was held as a celebration for his life.

The man was in his mid-40s when he passed, definitely taken too young.

But in his life, he carved a name for himself, his company, becoming a key player in his industry. He had a successful business, a loving family, beautiful kids. He was humble, smart and willing to lend a helping hand. A rarity.

It was an afternoon of learning about the man behind the scenes, his adventures with others and how he dedicated his life to his two loves, his family and his business. You look at his life and you know he was successful.

As I was heading home, I ended up in an uber with a man in his mid-40s as well. He explained to me how he chose to become a full-time uber driver after he paid off all the mortgages for his family, allowing him to quit his job. He had very little financial obligations after the mortgages. Another humble man, he said I would not be able to see him for another 6 months because he was flying to Tokyo to study dog care. He wanted to return to HK to build a dog care centre.

Whether its building an empire or being able to live your life in your own means, success is what you make of it.

It got me thinking, what do I want my success to be defined as?

What is my legacy?

-b.

Driven

After moving to Hong Kong, I quickly realized how different my viewpoints and opinions were, comparative to the local populace.

The most evident being family and upbringing.

My parents gave up everything in Shanghai to move to Hong Kong back in the day.
And then, they gave up everything they built in Hong Kong to move to Canada when I was born.

To start from zero twice; it’s not easy. They faced language barriers and discrimination, but they endured. For the goal of building a better life.

This meant, they had no time to raise us.

Growing up, my parents were very transparent on our situation and I am always thankful that they were. Rather than trying to shield us and raising us with a silver spoon, they made it a point to inform us we could not have what our peers had. When I was 4 years old, I already knew the world was unfair and we had to do something about it.

To that degree, my parents, my siblings and I have built our relationship on the foundation of improvement. We may see each other once or twice a year, but during those times, we truly value our time together.

When I look at family interactions here – they are highly emotional, the gatherings  frequent and routines micromanaged.

It confuses me.

I did not even tell my parents I was moving to Hong Kong. My mother only found out when she dropped me off at the airport. And when I told her my plan, she threw a box of Ferrero Rocher at my head.

When I first got to Hong Kong, I had very little money, I ate one meal a day and I slept on the floor without a mattress. But I was driven. I remember lining up 3-5 interviews a day for the two weeks I was here, determined to land a job in that timeframe.

Three years later and I can finally accommodate my family when they visit, in a proper bed and a proper home.

img_5224A home is where you can go to escape the hustle and bustle of the city. A place of relaxation, a safe zone. This is mine.
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Good night.

-b.

And we are back

It’s been a long time since I last wrote a blog.

I keep starting new ones, deleting them and forgetting about them for months.

Not sure if anyone remembers Xanga, but back in the day, I used to have hundreds of followers on my blog that was dedicated to weight loss. In the beginning, it was great…until it wasn’t. I started seeing my photos used by “thinspo” sites and then I started seeing girls starve themselves.

That’s when I deleted my entire blog – 5 years of sharing with the world my life, gone in an instant.

So why am I back?

To be honest, I’m not sure.

Ever since I moved to Hong Kong, I have felt out of place. So I guess, this is where I can vent and make sense of things.

-b.